I Am Flawed and It's Okay

I have always been an introvert. I was always the shy one in my circle of friends. I was always the one that think too much. I was always the one makes a big deal of what others think of what I look, what I do, how I sound, how I look, and etc.

Today, I am still one hell of an introvert. One of my jobs requires me to meet people from all walks of life, in short; strangers, and yet I am still not used to it even though I've been on it for three years now. I guess being an introvert doesn't change that fast. But I can proudly say I have crossed some of my inhibitions from my list and it felt so damn good. You know that feeling of achievement? Yeah, that.

I have come to terms on accepting my flaws. That I am not somebody else, but me, only me. I am not perfect, and that's perfectly fine. I will not be like her or like you no matter how I try, but I will always be me, and that's okay.

To be honest, at some point of my life, I blamed my parents why I become like this — introverted, socially awkward, and anxious around people I don't know was all because of them, because they always argue. I was not in my 20's then and I didn't understand myself the way I do now.

Well, at some percentage, I know in my heart, some of the damage was because of my parents. Seeing them argue made a huge impact on me. But for the rest of the issues, it's all my own choices along the way.

I'm always home. It's very rare for me to go out. I only go out if it's urgent and really important. But most of the time, you can find me at home. It is the most comfortable place on earth and I don't have to deal with strangers, with people looking at me longer than they should. It is at home I can be my true self. I can be very weird and that's okay, my family is used to it.

I'm the perfect home buddy, as what my little sister told me (who, at an early age, shows signs of being an extrovert). I think it's true that the eldest and youngest in a family has different personalities.

Also, when I'm out and for example, I'm lost. I don't dare ask anyone for directions and that sucks. That's just me. It's nerve-wrecking to approach strangers. And I know I need to do something about that.

I decided to write about this because of my experience last week. I had a guest who is very outspoken and friendly. By the end of the tour, she told me, "You are great, but you need to speak more. you have to engage with the people" and I know in myself that it's true, if I want my business to survive. It's competitive world after all. Then I realized, talking is not meant for me. I am at my best when I'm behind the scenes. My ideas can flow freely and it's all for the best... BUT, it's not going to be like that. I can't hide behind the curtains all the time.

I am working on it. I am trying to engage in small talks. I am trying to approach people more now. I greet a random person and smile. And that all feels great! It's coming out of the shell, stepping out of the comfort zone. 

One step at a time... I know I'll be a better individual and I'll be able to express myself better by speaking, someday. But, I will always be flawed and that's totally okay. No one is perfect in this world.

I know I'm not alone in this. I just want to tell you, it's okay if you messed up, but be sure to pick up yourself. It's okay to be flawed, nothing's wrong with that. But learn when to stand up for yourself. It took me a long time to do that. :)